Well Whats New?

Nothing is really new. As usual I feel lonely. I feel like all of my friends have already left and I'm alone to continue down this journey I've started. My therapist has given me the diagnosis I was hoping for. That is... She doesn't think I'm sick and neither do I, but we do what me must in order to jump through the hoops that have been erected.

She will fax over my diagnosis to a local dr who will run blood tests and hopefully find me healthy enough to start HRT. But I feel like I have nobody to share this with. Knowing that I'm on my way makes me feel happy, but that makes me feel lonely because I have nobody that can feel happy with me.

I've ignored my health and happiness for 15 years trying to become something that I thought would help others and make me happy. Only to wake up and realize I should have been working only for my own happiness all along.

Don't get me wrong.. I love mixing music and producing stuff on the computer. But honestly I could really give a fuck about getting a flyered gig anymore. If any of them wanted me in their private club.. It would have happened years ago. People I once thought of as friends... I now realize that they.. are really just acquaintances.

I always knew I had enough... whatever it was.. for practice to make me as good as everyone else.. really thats all that being a proficient dj takes.

But this... As much as I want it. And I want it more than I ever wanted to be a good dj... This is something that I don't even know if I have it in me to be.

How could I ever be as sweet, as compassionate, as pretty and graceful and magical as all the girls I've ever put on pedestals throughout my life?

I feel like a failure as a dj, a brother, a friend, a son.. And now.. Now that I figured out what my problem is... I can be a failure as a woman too.

So, I have a new therapist. She is a very awesome person. She has a statue of Green Tara in her office, and a Tibetan singing bowl. She is laidback.. and non stressful.. and hasn't told me once that I'm going to hell or tried to make me feel like I was trying to do something wrong. She gave me a list of resources for me to work with and my first appt is on the 11th. I'm super excited!

Tata

A first step. Truly.

So for all of my wild determination to forge straight ahead into my transition.  (Buying clothes, going out in public with out laser or electro, no hormones and a good 18 years past puberty), I feel like I will be taking my first real step in transition by speaking with a therapist tomorrow to see if she would be a helpful and healthy fit for me.. I'm getting older.. I'm not about to take crap from someone who believes I am wrong or perverse..   I'm perverse... But being a girl isn't a perversion. I just really hope that I don't I have to continue looking for a therapist.  

I feel like this will be the least interesting and most tedious part of transition, but it will definitly be needed...   I'm just more interested in finding an endocrinologist or getting laser done. I never was much for other people validating me.  

I knew when I was a child.. I just couldn't express it verbally.  I was also a social outcast dealing with the death of my father... So I had other crap going on.