It's housework and internet day. I'm getting through all the laundry pretty quick though.. Sometime later on today I will install drivers for my dj card and my nocturn. I'm trying to be very specific and stingy with what I install on this partition (windows xp) Since really this is the side I'm going to use only for DJ'ing and audio production. Anyway been finding some very interesting stuff on the net, Such as this, and this, and this one here too.

oooh I also found Kutiman's thru-YOU. Awesome music, done by remixing youtube.

Well Whats New?

Nothing is really new. As usual I feel lonely. I feel like all of my friends have already left and I'm alone to continue down this journey I've started. My therapist has given me the diagnosis I was hoping for. That is... She doesn't think I'm sick and neither do I, but we do what me must in order to jump through the hoops that have been erected.

She will fax over my diagnosis to a local dr who will run blood tests and hopefully find me healthy enough to start HRT. But I feel like I have nobody to share this with. Knowing that I'm on my way makes me feel happy, but that makes me feel lonely because I have nobody that can feel happy with me.

I've ignored my health and happiness for 15 years trying to become something that I thought would help others and make me happy. Only to wake up and realize I should have been working only for my own happiness all along.

Don't get me wrong.. I love mixing music and producing stuff on the computer. But honestly I could really give a fuck about getting a flyered gig anymore. If any of them wanted me in their private club.. It would have happened years ago. People I once thought of as friends... I now realize that they.. are really just acquaintances.

I always knew I had enough... whatever it was.. for practice to make me as good as everyone else.. really thats all that being a proficient dj takes.

But this... As much as I want it. And I want it more than I ever wanted to be a good dj... This is something that I don't even know if I have it in me to be.

How could I ever be as sweet, as compassionate, as pretty and graceful and magical as all the girls I've ever put on pedestals throughout my life?

I feel like a failure as a dj, a brother, a friend, a son.. And now.. Now that I figured out what my problem is... I can be a failure as a woman too.

Ubuntu

I am really happy I installed Ubuntu. It was totally painless and so far everything worked. Including Compiz which totally gorgeous and sexy. She (Vajra) seems a lot quieter since the install as well. So much prettiness in the desktop!!