Intolerance in my "beloved" scene.

So last night at the party I found out that someone had complained that I was in the women's bathroom. The bathroom that I have used for at least a year now without complaint. Granted this is the first dance party I have been to at that particular building in about three or four years. I go to that venue around twice a month for the Gothic/Industrial parties. Not a one person has EVER complained I was in there at those parties. But the one dance party that I go to in several months, this happens. Am I to believe that our scene is more homophobic than Goths? Because thats what this was.  Homophobia. I use the bathroom for just one thing. That thing is my particular business. I don't care who fucks who or does what off the toilet tank in anybody elses stall.  I really wish they would leave me to do my business in my stall.

On the upside, Manic played some fucking dope Dubstep. It was the best music of the night.

P.S. Phil at Terrapin station, You can eat a dick.

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Indeterminetly Incommunicado

I'm taking a break from society for awhile. I'll try to keep the reasons why and the histrionics to a minimum.

It suffices to say that I really just want to be alone right now and people are generally just fine with that. So I'm excusing myself from the party. I'm not sure why I'm even doing this anymore. I wasn't very acceptable when I was trying to be the gender I'm not and I'm a pretty spectacular failure at being the gender I know I am. So I will continue to be a failure.. alone. Seeing as how nobody reads this though.. I kinda am already aren't I?

Readability

Reading is done on the internet on a constant basis. But how much of this is merely skimming while looking for key concepts and how much of the content we read do we miss by being constantly distracted by ads and superfluous and downright irrelevant links? Readability is a customizable bookmarklet designed to clear away everything that distracts the reader from focusing on the article they are reading. It allows one to quickly read articles and retain more because only the article in a well formatted and clean layout is left. It is customizable so you can set things like size and basic fonts and margins for your favorite layout.

It is essentially the readers analogue to software like Darkroom and Writeroom. Try it and see how much it helps you enjoy what you are reading.

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Who R U? Why, I hardly know.

I've come home tonight from a coming out party. Coming out to who or
what I hardly know. Leaving tonight I wanted to feel a sense of
togetherness; coming home I feel just as alone if not more than I've
ever felt. Nothing can displace me from this sense of solitude. I am
just as alone as I've always been. What the hell am I going to do with
a handful of lube when all I wanted is a warm hand or a backrub. Who
am I being strong for when the only person that has ever been my lover
is myself?

I'm lonely. Really though, who gives an Eff?

I'm tired of ...

being a little girl. of being torn by my fathers death. of being
alone. I'm tired of being. alone. The more I want it to change; the
less it will.

Tempered by fire. strengthened by solitude.

Life sucks. and then you take 2 more milligrams of estriadol,
because.. fuck it. It's there.

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I Am A

Person who blogs using posterous to maximize my efficiency and post to
all my accounts to get my words out.

Snarky/Clever Title and intro out of the way, This:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/9qx25/i_am_a_mtf_transsexual_lesbian_ama/
is my reddit "I Am A - Ask Me Anything" thread. I got bored.. I think
I may want to study the issues in depth and detail and make a career
of talking about it openly at businesses and .. talk seminars or some
such. I mean seriously.. If I am going to get this done I am going to
need to make BANK! What better way than to foster understanding about
the issue and really do something to help change the world for the
better?

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Caffeine for the enrichment of life.

It's amazing how the addition or subtraction of caffeine can make or
break a day. I had coffee this morning, so far so good!

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I have rights?

And so begins my third day of wearing only skirts to work instead of pants to win a right that I didn't ask for in the first place. Tell me I can't use the womens restroom when I didn't ask! I don't have to justify how I transition to anybody. Apperantly women don't wear pants in this century.

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This makes me want to cry.

In an I totally feel each of their perspectives kind of way.

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I just killed a spider with my spironolactone box.

Now I feel like a bad buddhist and a bad girl.

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Round and round she goes..

Where she stops.. and starts.. and how she jumps around well.. That
would be entirely up to you. This is the most recent offering from The
Strange Agency whose other apps Curtis Heavy and Sound Scope Space I already own. I love the design and color schemes
this software publisher uses. I have always been fond of blue and red
and purple. I also love the simplicity of the vector inspired designs.
These apps take the music making paradigm in another direction and
show use how we can manipulate sound sound in two dimensions and yet
still keep it fresh. The DSP Algorithms are elegant and do not produce
dropouts or glitches. I can tell this new app is going to be just as
much fun as the others.

Posted via email from ezmyrelda's posterous

Where is it all going?

So I have been losing weight over the last several months. This is odd
and it causes me to wonder and get somewhat nervous. I've always
stayed at pretty much the same weight throughout my adult life and
have never been able to gain much. The weight that I did seem to gain
went mostly to my stomach, pretty much being in accord with what most
men get; a beer gut. That is pretty much all gone. As well (of course)
as the expected muscle loss. I didn't think I would see this as an
effect but it is somewhat nice considering that if I stick my gut out
as much as possible all I see is a slightly rounded curvature that
looks very feminine. So I got the stomach I never knew I always wanted
but at the same time I have also had really bad stomach cramps for the
last three days.

Breasts are at roughly the same tenderness level they have been for
about 3 months. There is also intermittent puffiness. The shape is
coming in more.. I still don't think I'm an A cup but in certain poses
they do look more like breasts than a skinny guys chest.

My family is coming to visit Boise in about a week. Not my immediate
family; My Grandmother, Aunt, and Aunt and Uncle. My Grandmother being
the only person I don't believe I've come out to. I told my Cousin,
and so I believe my aunt and uncle in Seattle know. But I'm not sure
I've told my uncle because it doesn't really matter if they know or
not (Not that they aren't great people because they are, I just don't
see them flying off the handle and shunning me or treating me any
differently.). I see them only a couple of times every 3 or so years
apart. They have little effect on my life so it was never an issue. I
know for a fact that I've never told my Grandmother because I haven't
seen her since before I started transitioning. I'm really not sure
what she will think.. I don't think it would be especially bad.. She
accepted that one of her grandsons (adopted) was gay. On the other
hand I think our relationship has been mutual disinterest at best.

All the same this doesn't really affect me, nor do I believe I will
see them more than maybe twice for a couple of minutes each during
they week long visit. I work 5 days a week. most of the day so I don't
think they will want to wait around for me to get off of work before
they go to dinner. A sit down meal might be the only reason this
matters at all.

Anyway.. Thats my update for now. For an update of what I look like I
have enclosed pictures. These aren't new to facebook but I have
started to use posterous more often so that I can make my updates
available to all of my online outlets.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from ezmyrelda's posterous

Progress feels nice.

Tonight I made a lot of progress on certain computer oriented
projects. Both of these projects I had been trying to wrestle around
with for several weeks. Not because they are particulary complicated
or hard to do, but because whenever I had the time I was tired of
complex technical issues and whenever I wasn't tired I was at work.

Anyway...

The first of these projects completed tonight was getting my iPod
Touch and my Novation Nocturn both mappable reliably. They are both
now visible and sending messages after several restarts. Now I can
concentrate on creating the TouchOSC layout and using a personal one
instead of stock and also setting up the template I will continually
use for all projects both live and performance wise.

The second project was configuring the install of lighttpd on my iPod.
Now I have a real webserver on my iPod instead of the crippled ones
they sell in the app store. Why would I need to do this? I'm a geek.
Why not? I think of cool uses for it later.

And now... off to bed.

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Breakthrough!

Less software and simpler implementation of standard protocols is
usually better! Hallelujah! http://monome.q3f.org/wiki/TouchOSC
Tonight is going to be a blast.

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Living arrangement update

So my Mothers plans changed.. But this is not surprising. She is not moving, and I still have to help her organize and move stuff. Ah'well. You know what they say; "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft a glay."

On the "Peachy Keen!" tip, I have a google voice #! you can call me by clicking the deally on the right.. standard rates apply. If you call me.. you must be really bored and lonely.. If I can I will pick up and try to cheer you up. If you leave a msg with your # I'll even call you back!

<3 Ez

Ok, So enough with the depressing pissy BS.

I'm not actually unhappy despite what my posts generally read like. Since my last decent length post I have been on HRT for about a month. I'm happy to announce that things are going along swimmingly. My buds are very tender most of the time these days and I'm starting to develop. Which for me is a pretty drastic difference only a month in. I used to be completely scrawny there literally skin and bone but I'm actually starting to get something to squish there.

Emotionally I feel fantastic! I take estradiol 3 times a day and spiro twice a day. I had tried to take it all at night before I went to bed on the suggestion of a friend but I have found that if I do this it makes me a total pms'ing hosebeast by 5 in the evening. Not especially helpful as a tech support agent. But once in the morning, around five and around ten in the evening keeps me sweet and serene.

The living situation has been all figured out. It isn't the most entirely convenient solution but then its not the worst solution either. I will be taking the rent over for the place my Mom and my Brother live. I was the person originally on the lease and it feels like home as much as any place.. So its all good.

My Mom is going to be moving down to Louisiana to be her best friends roomate. She wants to get out of Idaho and I don't blame her.

Work is going well. I truly and absolutely love my job. It's easy and I'm good at it and getting better everyday. I'm very confident that I will be there as long as I want to.

Thats about it for now.. More later when I have some creative goodies such as a mix or song finished..

<3
Ezmy

Fun Times

I have to find new housing by June 10th.
I'm displeased.
Not "Fun Times".

It's housework and internet day. I'm getting through all the laundry pretty quick though.. Sometime later on today I will install drivers for my dj card and my nocturn. I'm trying to be very specific and stingy with what I install on this partition (windows xp) Since really this is the side I'm going to use only for DJ'ing and audio production. Anyway been finding some very interesting stuff on the net, Such as this, and this, and this one here too.

oooh I also found Kutiman's thru-YOU. Awesome music, done by remixing youtube.

Well Whats New?

Nothing is really new. As usual I feel lonely. I feel like all of my friends have already left and I'm alone to continue down this journey I've started. My therapist has given me the diagnosis I was hoping for. That is... She doesn't think I'm sick and neither do I, but we do what me must in order to jump through the hoops that have been erected.

She will fax over my diagnosis to a local dr who will run blood tests and hopefully find me healthy enough to start HRT. But I feel like I have nobody to share this with. Knowing that I'm on my way makes me feel happy, but that makes me feel lonely because I have nobody that can feel happy with me.

I've ignored my health and happiness for 15 years trying to become something that I thought would help others and make me happy. Only to wake up and realize I should have been working only for my own happiness all along.

Don't get me wrong.. I love mixing music and producing stuff on the computer. But honestly I could really give a fuck about getting a flyered gig anymore. If any of them wanted me in their private club.. It would have happened years ago. People I once thought of as friends... I now realize that they.. are really just acquaintances.

I always knew I had enough... whatever it was.. for practice to make me as good as everyone else.. really thats all that being a proficient dj takes.

But this... As much as I want it. And I want it more than I ever wanted to be a good dj... This is something that I don't even know if I have it in me to be.

How could I ever be as sweet, as compassionate, as pretty and graceful and magical as all the girls I've ever put on pedestals throughout my life?

I feel like a failure as a dj, a brother, a friend, a son.. And now.. Now that I figured out what my problem is... I can be a failure as a woman too.

Ubuntu

I am really happy I installed Ubuntu. It was totally painless and so far everything worked. Including Compiz which totally gorgeous and sexy. She (Vajra) seems a lot quieter since the install as well. So much prettiness in the desktop!!

Nocturnal

So over the week I got the Novation Nocturn that I ordered. Its taken me around a day and a half off and on to learn how to map controls using the different modes. It has whats known as Automap for the VSTs and also has a native midi client so you can map your hosts controls as well. This was a must because I like to use the crossfader in ableton and one of the reasons I bought it was because it has a crossfader in a central location and of course its horizontal. The leds on it are really bright and its easy to see whats going on as you move around your set.

Automap works amazingly well and I'm glad that just mapping the controls isn't a constant headache like it seems to be in other usb midi controllers.

In other news I bought a pair of ellie shoes although not from that location and like 7 bucks less. I got them locally from "The Costume Shop". I also bought an adorable petticoat by "Living Dead Souls" at the same place.. Sorry couldn't find a pic.

I am so ready to get on hrt soon.

This makes me happy.

Whoo! Progress!

I went to a local transgender group meeting yesterday. Afterward we all out went out to eat. It was interesting but I feel out of my element with them. They are all at least 10 years older than me and I don't feel like I would have a lot to talk about with them otherwise. They are nice ladies though. I have an online support group of people that I have more in common with so thats ok.

I have also finally made progress on my latest mixes track order. So I should have a new mix out shortly.

Another cool thing is that I bought a domain name so now ezmyrelda.com points here. Yay!
All kinds of crazy stuff going on in my life!

So, I have a new therapist. She is a very awesome person. She has a statue of Green Tara in her office, and a Tibetan singing bowl. She is laidback.. and non stressful.. and hasn't told me once that I'm going to hell or tried to make me feel like I was trying to do something wrong. She gave me a list of resources for me to work with and my first appt is on the 11th. I'm super excited!

Tata

A first step. Truly.

So for all of my wild determination to forge straight ahead into my transition.  (Buying clothes, going out in public with out laser or electro, no hormones and a good 18 years past puberty), I feel like I will be taking my first real step in transition by speaking with a therapist tomorrow to see if she would be a helpful and healthy fit for me.. I'm getting older.. I'm not about to take crap from someone who believes I am wrong or perverse..   I'm perverse... But being a girl isn't a perversion. I just really hope that I don't I have to continue looking for a therapist.  

I feel like this will be the least interesting and most tedious part of transition, but it will definitly be needed...   I'm just more interested in finding an endocrinologist or getting laser done. I never was much for other people validating me.  

I knew when I was a child.. I just couldn't express it verbally.  I was also a social outcast dealing with the death of my father... So I had other crap going on.

Oh, Jeez. I am such a geek. I just routed quicktime to one set of outs on my conectiv and foobar2k to the other. I have foobar set as the double click audio player but I use iTunes a lot for organiziation.. Now I can be listening to music and if I find some random crap on the net I can download it to the desktop and doubleclick on it and twist the cue knob on my audio card without having to open it in iTunes until I know I want to keep it..

I recently bought my Digital Vinyl (Ms.Pinky) and USB audio card (conectiv) through The Little Shop of Vinyl so I got a great deal on the hardware. I got fantastic service and everything works beautifully. The vinyl package I got was 2 Splatter Matter, and 2 HQ 180 gram Audiophile vinyl. Which is a pleasure to mix with because its such a solid platter. The Splatter Matters are really a pleasure to look at. One of the most unique vinyl I have ever owned. The reason I chose Ms.Pinky over other brands of digital vinyl is because it is the most well thought out implementation of this idea and designed to be more open and adaptable from the start. It has worked with every software thing I could hook it up to thus far which says a lot about the people behind it.

I also have to say that the software that I use Deckadance has come quite a ways since I started using it and has developed into a software that is at least as pleasurable to use as serato and just as stable. It now has Autogain and Colored waveforms which look even better than seratos and update even faster.

Anyway I am completely satisfied with my purchase and can't wait to play out with it! I'll post some pics of the vinyl soon.