It's housework and internet day. I'm getting through all the laundry pretty quick though.. Sometime later on today I will install drivers for my dj card and my nocturn. I'm trying to be very specific and stingy with what I install on this partition (windows xp) Since really this is the side I'm going to use only for DJ'ing and audio production. Anyway been finding some very interesting stuff on the net, Such as this, and this, and this one here too.

oooh I also found Kutiman's thru-YOU. Awesome music, done by remixing youtube.

Well Whats New?

Nothing is really new. As usual I feel lonely. I feel like all of my friends have already left and I'm alone to continue down this journey I've started. My therapist has given me the diagnosis I was hoping for. That is... She doesn't think I'm sick and neither do I, but we do what me must in order to jump through the hoops that have been erected.

She will fax over my diagnosis to a local dr who will run blood tests and hopefully find me healthy enough to start HRT. But I feel like I have nobody to share this with. Knowing that I'm on my way makes me feel happy, but that makes me feel lonely because I have nobody that can feel happy with me.

I've ignored my health and happiness for 15 years trying to become something that I thought would help others and make me happy. Only to wake up and realize I should have been working only for my own happiness all along.

Don't get me wrong.. I love mixing music and producing stuff on the computer. But honestly I could really give a fuck about getting a flyered gig anymore. If any of them wanted me in their private club.. It would have happened years ago. People I once thought of as friends... I now realize that they.. are really just acquaintances.

I always knew I had enough... whatever it was.. for practice to make me as good as everyone else.. really thats all that being a proficient dj takes.

But this... As much as I want it. And I want it more than I ever wanted to be a good dj... This is something that I don't even know if I have it in me to be.

How could I ever be as sweet, as compassionate, as pretty and graceful and magical as all the girls I've ever put on pedestals throughout my life?

I feel like a failure as a dj, a brother, a friend, a son.. And now.. Now that I figured out what my problem is... I can be a failure as a woman too.

Ubuntu

I am really happy I installed Ubuntu. It was totally painless and so far everything worked. Including Compiz which totally gorgeous and sexy. She (Vajra) seems a lot quieter since the install as well. So much prettiness in the desktop!!

Nocturnal

So over the week I got the Novation Nocturn that I ordered. Its taken me around a day and a half off and on to learn how to map controls using the different modes. It has whats known as Automap for the VSTs and also has a native midi client so you can map your hosts controls as well. This was a must because I like to use the crossfader in ableton and one of the reasons I bought it was because it has a crossfader in a central location and of course its horizontal. The leds on it are really bright and its easy to see whats going on as you move around your set.

Automap works amazingly well and I'm glad that just mapping the controls isn't a constant headache like it seems to be in other usb midi controllers.

In other news I bought a pair of ellie shoes although not from that location and like 7 bucks less. I got them locally from "The Costume Shop". I also bought an adorable petticoat by "Living Dead Souls" at the same place.. Sorry couldn't find a pic.

I am so ready to get on hrt soon.

This makes me happy.

Whoo! Progress!

I went to a local transgender group meeting yesterday. Afterward we all out went out to eat. It was interesting but I feel out of my element with them. They are all at least 10 years older than me and I don't feel like I would have a lot to talk about with them otherwise. They are nice ladies though. I have an online support group of people that I have more in common with so thats ok.

I have also finally made progress on my latest mixes track order. So I should have a new mix out shortly.

Another cool thing is that I bought a domain name so now ezmyrelda.com points here. Yay!
All kinds of crazy stuff going on in my life!

So, I have a new therapist. She is a very awesome person. She has a statue of Green Tara in her office, and a Tibetan singing bowl. She is laidback.. and non stressful.. and hasn't told me once that I'm going to hell or tried to make me feel like I was trying to do something wrong. She gave me a list of resources for me to work with and my first appt is on the 11th. I'm super excited!

Tata