Living arrangement update

So my Mothers plans changed.. But this is not surprising. She is not moving, and I still have to help her organize and move stuff. Ah'well. You know what they say; "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft a glay."

On the "Peachy Keen!" tip, I have a google voice #! you can call me by clicking the deally on the right.. standard rates apply. If you call me.. you must be really bored and lonely.. If I can I will pick up and try to cheer you up. If you leave a msg with your # I'll even call you back!

<3 Ez

Ok, So enough with the depressing pissy BS.

I'm not actually unhappy despite what my posts generally read like. Since my last decent length post I have been on HRT for about a month. I'm happy to announce that things are going along swimmingly. My buds are very tender most of the time these days and I'm starting to develop. Which for me is a pretty drastic difference only a month in. I used to be completely scrawny there literally skin and bone but I'm actually starting to get something to squish there.

Emotionally I feel fantastic! I take estradiol 3 times a day and spiro twice a day. I had tried to take it all at night before I went to bed on the suggestion of a friend but I have found that if I do this it makes me a total pms'ing hosebeast by 5 in the evening. Not especially helpful as a tech support agent. But once in the morning, around five and around ten in the evening keeps me sweet and serene.

The living situation has been all figured out. It isn't the most entirely convenient solution but then its not the worst solution either. I will be taking the rent over for the place my Mom and my Brother live. I was the person originally on the lease and it feels like home as much as any place.. So its all good.

My Mom is going to be moving down to Louisiana to be her best friends roomate. She wants to get out of Idaho and I don't blame her.

Work is going well. I truly and absolutely love my job. It's easy and I'm good at it and getting better everyday. I'm very confident that I will be there as long as I want to.

Thats about it for now.. More later when I have some creative goodies such as a mix or song finished..

<3
Ezmy

Fun Times

I have to find new housing by June 10th.
I'm displeased.
Not "Fun Times".

It's housework and internet day. I'm getting through all the laundry pretty quick though.. Sometime later on today I will install drivers for my dj card and my nocturn. I'm trying to be very specific and stingy with what I install on this partition (windows xp) Since really this is the side I'm going to use only for DJ'ing and audio production. Anyway been finding some very interesting stuff on the net, Such as this, and this, and this one here too.

oooh I also found Kutiman's thru-YOU. Awesome music, done by remixing youtube.

Well Whats New?

Nothing is really new. As usual I feel lonely. I feel like all of my friends have already left and I'm alone to continue down this journey I've started. My therapist has given me the diagnosis I was hoping for. That is... She doesn't think I'm sick and neither do I, but we do what me must in order to jump through the hoops that have been erected.

She will fax over my diagnosis to a local dr who will run blood tests and hopefully find me healthy enough to start HRT. But I feel like I have nobody to share this with. Knowing that I'm on my way makes me feel happy, but that makes me feel lonely because I have nobody that can feel happy with me.

I've ignored my health and happiness for 15 years trying to become something that I thought would help others and make me happy. Only to wake up and realize I should have been working only for my own happiness all along.

Don't get me wrong.. I love mixing music and producing stuff on the computer. But honestly I could really give a fuck about getting a flyered gig anymore. If any of them wanted me in their private club.. It would have happened years ago. People I once thought of as friends... I now realize that they.. are really just acquaintances.

I always knew I had enough... whatever it was.. for practice to make me as good as everyone else.. really thats all that being a proficient dj takes.

But this... As much as I want it. And I want it more than I ever wanted to be a good dj... This is something that I don't even know if I have it in me to be.

How could I ever be as sweet, as compassionate, as pretty and graceful and magical as all the girls I've ever put on pedestals throughout my life?

I feel like a failure as a dj, a brother, a friend, a son.. And now.. Now that I figured out what my problem is... I can be a failure as a woman too.

Ubuntu

I am really happy I installed Ubuntu. It was totally painless and so far everything worked. Including Compiz which totally gorgeous and sexy. She (Vajra) seems a lot quieter since the install as well. So much prettiness in the desktop!!

Nocturnal

So over the week I got the Novation Nocturn that I ordered. Its taken me around a day and a half off and on to learn how to map controls using the different modes. It has whats known as Automap for the VSTs and also has a native midi client so you can map your hosts controls as well. This was a must because I like to use the crossfader in ableton and one of the reasons I bought it was because it has a crossfader in a central location and of course its horizontal. The leds on it are really bright and its easy to see whats going on as you move around your set.

Automap works amazingly well and I'm glad that just mapping the controls isn't a constant headache like it seems to be in other usb midi controllers.

In other news I bought a pair of ellie shoes although not from that location and like 7 bucks less. I got them locally from "The Costume Shop". I also bought an adorable petticoat by "Living Dead Souls" at the same place.. Sorry couldn't find a pic.

I am so ready to get on hrt soon.